Here we are: at the end of the Jan/Feb ’20 Capsule Wardrobe. To most, I’m sure this seems like nothing to celebrate. For me, however, it is quite a monumental moment. I have never been one to finish things, and I most certainly struggle with commitment. In 2014, I wanted to start a fashion blog, and for months, I debated it. But, I never started. In 2018, I finally fulfilled my dream, created this website, and began sharing outfits. However, I was unsure of my audience, my purpose, and myself. I would start a project with the blog, then never complete it. This, of course, lead me to feeling the way I’m all too familiar with: That I’m not a finisher. As a songwriter for many years, this is something that I’ve dealt with quite a lot.
But something has changed. There has been a silent shift in my personality that I’ve been shocked to uncover. It’s been uncomfortable at times, and exciting at others. It wasn’t until a few months ago, when I was honest about what I wanted out of life and how I wanted to spend my time, that things really began to take shape.
I’m familiar with unpredictability and certain forms of chaos. I don’t particularly like those things, but I know them well. I know how to function despite them swirling around me. Structure, follow through, and peace are not words that have ever been a part of my normal vocabulary. Until now. And unlike the times before, this is an actual change that will stick. This change isn’t something I understood was happening until after it occurred. It was within me, around me, despite me.
I feel unfamiliar with my life sometimes. So much so, I’ve cried to my husband about moments where I feel as though I don’t know where I am anymore. As if I’m a stranger in my own home, who just walked into each room for the first time. As if everyone in Albuquerque is staring at me, pointing and snickering that I’m a foreigner here. But that isn’t really happening. And, Albuquerque is my home.
What I’m trying to explain is that I have changed, unknowingly. I knew I wanted to be better mentally, emotionally, spiritually, but I had no idea the shift that was going to take place. I don’t worry about the future the way I used to. For the first time in my life, I live in the present instead of living in my dreams for the future. I’m happy where I am. I have all I need. Everything that comes after this is a bonus. I need nothing else. I’m still working on bettering myself, and my life is not a perfect fantasy. But the chaos, unpredictability, and need for control are no longer a part of me. It’s like we’ve been separated from one another, and they’re lovingly watching in the distance, wiping their tears away saying, “She grew up so fast.”
I no longer feel that I need to have emergency plans for every possible thing that could go wrong. My only plan now is to pray that God gets me through any painful situation that arises. Not for Him to prevent it, but for Him to guide me through it in the way only He can.
So, you see, me finishing this capsule wardrobe is symbolic. It’s my first accomplishment since feeling this shift. I believe in myself, and I believe that I will complete future capsules. I’m a finisher now.
Until next time,